It's been a while....

So, it's been a while since I last wrote on here. Not for lack of material, mind you. Lots has gone on here. I had been studying all summer for my OCN exam (oncology certified nurse), and the time to take it was drawing near (August 21). The week prior to the exam, I found out my grandma was in the hospital, had undergone emergency surgery, and wasn't fairing so well. My concentration was totally knocked off kilter. I was so caught off guard by this, that my only concern was to help take care of Mema. I had some unresolved guilt about not going to Florida to help when my grandfather was dying. I felt like I absolutely had to go. Trouble is, I couldn't just drop my roles as 'mom' and 'wife' and 'nurse' etc. in a heartbeat. Using my powers as a nurse deciphering through what my mom was reporting, I urged them to get to Mema as soon as they could. My mom and dad made it down and were there with her for her final days. And those were extremely tough days. I was torn between cancelling my exam (losing ~$400), going with the kids, without the kids, without Christopher, and it was such a discouraging repertoire of choices. I ended up not being able to swing any of the above, and so I was not there to be with my grandma in her last days, nor with my mom to love and support through this incredibly difficult and totally unexpected turn of events. Add more guilt on to the guilt I was already carrying so discreetly from my grandpa's passing. I mean, I am a nurse working in a hospice setting at the hospital, and here my grandma was in hospice and my mom wasn't sure what to do and how to help. Seemed like I was meant to be there. But I didn't get there. Truth is, I think we all thought Mema would pull out of it by sheer will. She was one of the most strong yet stubborn people I knew. AND she was a nurse. That is a crazy combo to have to be related to! But we all thought it would be the magic combination to help her pull through a situation that someone else more mortal might not be able to. What a wake up call. She went from fine to gone in 3 weeks time. Way too fast for any of us to comprehend. I am still having trouble believing it. I keep telling myself she is still in Florida, but I can't call her and talk. I went to the visitation. I went to the funeral. I went to the cemetery. Why doesn't it sink in?! I don't know. I think it's the guilt of not getting there that keeps everything else in a holding pattern preventing me from moving on. Almost feels hypocritical since I try and help other people in this kind of situation. Yet I can't move myself through it. It is extremely difficult to work with my hospice patients now. I either make it very impersonal and business like so as not to feel the pain I still hold on to, or I see my grandma in every detail and just can't deal with the sorrow I feel. What is so strange is that I was so much more warm and fuzzy with my grandpa--and our history was sordid at best. I loved him and he was more human and loving than my grandma ever was to me. And I am mourning my grandma so much more than I did my grandpa. Don't get me wrong, I loved Mema. But she wasn't the warm fuzzy 'stereotypical' grandparent that often comes to mind. She was very impressed by accomplishments and education and moving up the chain of command. She was extremely proud that I was following in her footsteps as a nurse (though I hadn't given that coincidence a thought when picking my major), but not nearly as 'verbally' proud that I was doing missions work or that my walk with Jesus was so intimate and personal. Hers was not. I don't know if she ever knew Jesus like I know Jesus. It grieves me that she might not have ever had a close relationship with him. She was saved, and I know she is in heaven. I know she sees Jesus now like I can't wait to see him some day. But it was not easy being a grandchild of hers, especially a girl that wasn't the oldest or the youngest. Every day is a new day, and I am trying so hard to move on, but my heart is still in disbelief and shock.

I have also had numerous medical mysteries, but I have come to call that 'normal' for me. I just keep moving. I did end up passing that exam, Mema was cognizant of my passing and per my mom, she was very proud. She passed away on August 27th. I never got to say good-bye like I would've wanted to. Even before this, I have always told everyone 'I love you' on the phone, no matter what we were talking about prior to hanging up. I am so glad I have made that a personal policy of mine. So I know, without question, those were indeed my last words to her. I just wish last time wasn't the last time they were my last words to her. August was a terribly tough month for me. September didn't get better. I felt like I was on auto-pilot, not really feeling anything, and becoming numb to everything. I didn't want to work, I didn't want to do anything but sleep. I knew depression was right around the corner for me if I didn't change something--for mom, too, as we both struggle continually with it. I was trying so hard to be there for my mom, who was having such a hard time with this, and as I tried to help her keep her head above water, I was sinking lower. It felt like the blind leading the blind. My heart ached so much in empathy trying to even imagine how my mom felt losing her mom so suddenly. I know I couldn't deal with losing my mom. I would absolutely fall to pieces. Yet here she was, turning to me to help her. I had so much on my plate, but I knew I couldn't do anything, or be who I am without her love and support. So we have been walking side-by-side trying to help each other through this extremely sorrowful time.

I have to thank my family and girlfriends for so much love and support through this tough time. I call Monday nights my 'therapy' night, as we have a girls night out at some one's house every Monday. The laughter alone lightens my load, but just knowing my friends love and pray for me helps me to stay grounded and real. They are truly a blessing.

Now that it's November, I am reminded that I have so much to be thankful for....

Ava goes potty!

Since my fairly disgruntled post a couple of days back, here is a progress report.



Ava has not peed on anything.....BUT THE POTTY!!!!





She finally went, and then did it twice more in the same day! She has done well so far. No poo, but no problem right now. She still wears a diaper for when she naps and when she goes to bed. Sometimes I think she just waits for those times to go. I guess she is learning to hold it, then, so there is still a lesson. We just talk with so much enthusiasm about how proud we are of her, and she loves the spotlight. Hopefully this progress can continue! Thanks for your prayers. Now it's time for a potty chart--can't give her chocolate ice cream for every time, right?

Paige is walking!

Paige started walking the 1st of August! She gets braver every day and goes further each time. She even conquered the stairs without us knowing it. We were in the basement and thought it was too quiet. We found Paige playing upstairs in the living room. The girl is really a daredevil monkey. Not a lot of fear in her! She has an adventurous streak in her that makes us laugh and hope she doesn't do any permanent damage so early in life!

(under my breath--I think she'll be potty-trained before Ava. Not an official wager. Hey--I'm just saying....)

Potty Training....

I don't want any more advice about potty training. I just want Ava to go pee pee in the potty. Or poo poo in the potty. I made the mistake of applauding one time for her tooting on the potty. Now she thinks that is all you really have to do on the potty. Argh! Even though she goes through the check list when I go to the bathroom, and wants to know if I did a yucky in the toilet, and wants to see it, she still doesn't do it when she is on her princess potty seat. Yes--I even broke down and got her the Disney princess potty seat. She has peed in her carseat. She started to pee in Paige's carseat because I was washing hers. She has peed on her Elmo couch. She has peed on our IKEA couch. She has peed multiple times on floor right next to the potty. I know she has pee and poop inside her. I just want her to get it in the toilet. Sometimes, she even yells at her butt for the pee pee and poo poo to "come out now"! Hilarious. And yet frustrating evenso. It has gotten better the past couple of days--of course, I've been at work those days as well. So, I am not sure if that is why it seems better, or if she is slowly getting the hang of things :)

No need for consolation; just need an abundance of prayer for patience and wisdom on our behalf and for Ava to not get exasperated with the whole thing.

I think I'm done for a little while.

Paige's First Stand...

We got to witness first hand Paige pulling herself up with the coffee table! It was really cool! She's so proud of herself, and her mobility is progressing much faster than I am ready for. She just started crawling a month ago!

She also has her first tooth. That came about 3 weeks ago.

Sad, but True...

Paige is crawling!

Paige started crawling (and playing the piano) on Thursday, February 26th. Very cool!

The Hypocrisy of the Nursing Profession....

I have been processing a lot in the past few days, especially in light of my recent performance evaluation at work. It was not a bad evaluation; there are definitely some things that won't make sense to anyone outside of the nursing profession, and quite frankly to most nurses, but somehow they make sense to hospital administrators. You'll read what I mean in a bit. I know when I start jotting down my 'mental phrases' of criticism or rebuke on pieces of scrap paper or post-it notes that it's time to sit down, collect my thoughts, and write. Who knows? Maybe some day my written angst will get me published in some nursing magazine that no one reads and everyone throws away (like I do with mine).

Where to begin....well, as I said, I had an evaluation recently. Prior to my evaluation, my boss handed me an official 'write-up' for having too many absences in a year. I had 8.

None of them were for fun, or just to have a "day-off", but I was actually sick. Or my kids were sick. Or my parents, who watch my kids, were sick. One of them I was actually in a ditch off of 275 on my way to work. You get the picture. All considered unexcused absences because I didn't try to find coverage for my shift prior to calling off for that shift. I did call from the ditch on 275 to ask for help, but they gave me a trite "keep us posted" and that was all. Okay, for the others I could've tried to call in the middle of the night when my kids woke up screaming trying to find someone to pick up their phone and be happy to come work for me because I couldn't. Like that's going to happen. I know on the days I don't work, I turn my phone off for the sole reason of not wanting to be woke up at 5am asking if I can work. Sure, let me give the magic daycare fairy a call and see if she can come by in 30 minutes to watch 2 kids so I can go to work because I had nothing else planned for that day with 2 kids. (note sarcasm)

Okay, so let me explain how it works in our hospital. A hospital is where sick people go when they are beyond what they can handle by themselves at home. Our unit has REALLY sick people, whose immune system is almost zilch from either chemotherapy or the effects of cancer. So it is REALLY important that we don't get them sicker by taking care of them while we are sick. Everyone in a hospital is sick, but our patient's are horribly sick. So we are supposed to be thinking about the patient's health first and foremost, because they are our job. If we are sick, we are supposed to put their best interests above ours and not risk making them worse. But here's the kicker. Sometimes people don't call off. For one reason or another, they show up. I've done it, and probably everyone else has done it. Why? We get penalized for calling off sick. That's right. We can work around the sickest of the sick, but we, ourselves, are not supposed to get sick. So sometimes, you come to work sick, and the supervisor asks, "Why did you come in? You are sick and you don't need to be here. Don't you know it's easier to find a replacement before the shift starts rather than once you are here and we send you home?" Gee, maybe I wasn't thinking about that. Maybe I was thinking about the fact that so many call-ins gets me written up and I can't afford to lose my job. So then they send you home and mumble something about how you should've known better. Okay, so I'm still sick the next day; I call and tell the supervisor I am still sick and will not be in. Then you get to hear an earful about how short-handed it is going to leave your collegues (guilt trip) and how many more patients they will have to take care of because you are gone, and blah blah blah.... (trust me, your collegues don't want what you've got either. Their complaining is temporary and we've all been on both ends of it) So, you cannot win either way. Either you do what is right and get penalized for it, or you do what you shouldn't do and get ostracized for it. By the way, either way, these are both unexcused absences. Even if you felt fine but looked horrible (I've been here) and you get sent home-->unexcused absence. So employees tend not to call off when they should, because the fear of losing your job outweighs the fear of getting someone really sick EVEN sicker.

Our sick hour bank = our vacation hour bank= our personal hour bank. They are all one bank. So if you get sick and burn through all of your P.T.O. hours (paid time off), and wanted to take a vacation later that year, you can only do it if you have reaccumulated the hours you would need. Or if you took a vacation and used all your PTO to do so, and then get sick when you get back, too bad. You can call off, but you will not get any compensation for it, and it will be considered an unexcused absence. My sister works in Detroit in a hospital, and has allocated at the beginning of the year so many 'sick days', so many 'personal days' and so many 'vacation days'. So if she's sick, she uses her sick bank and can still go on her vacation later on and use her vacation days to get paid. Though she is in direct patient-care, she is in a bit less intimate sort of patient care, and therefore less likely to get sick from being around sick people. But she has a better PTO policy than I do, even though I am in much closer continuous contact with sick patients. The hospital administrators have an excellent policy for their sick vs. vacay vs. personal. They just tell their coworkers they are taking a personal day, or a sick day, or a vacation, and they take it. End of story. No unexcused absences, no problems, no repercussions. Must be nice to be so far away from where the sickness is behind a desk and yet have a better policy for calling off sick than the people who are in direct contact with the sick. This kind of thing only makes sense to the administration. More physical work=less physical pay, more physical pay=less physical work. But this isn't something I came up with. I just happen to agree with it in my workplace.

Okay, my next soapbox is break time. It is called a 'break' for that very reason. WE NEED a break; if it wasn't required, believe me, they probably wouldn't allow for it. But here's the puzzling and frustrating thing for me. When I go on a break, I am not supposed to leave the floor (or our unit), and I am supposed to have my work cell phone on me at all times. So where's the break? I have to stay on the floor I am trying to take a break from, and I have to keep the phone on that coworkers and ancillary staff use to call me for work-related issues. And even if you are on a break, coworkers WILL interrupt your break to ask you things work-related. Why? Because you are still on the unit and they know where to find you. And if you aren't in the conference room, then they call you on your work phone and start out by saying, "I hate to interrupt you, but...." Well, obviously you don't hate to interrupt me enough, or you wouldn't have done it. (or wouldn't do it over and over). I absolutely refuse to interrupt coworkers on their breaks, because it drives ME so crazy when I am trying to take mine!

So, speaking of my personal break time, I have to use my break time to pump my breast milk because I am nursing my infant child. All employees are allotted 2-15 minute breaks and a 30 minute lunch. So what I was doing was taking my 15 minute break in the am to pump, and then my parents were bringing up the girls so I could nurse Paige on my lunch break (now 45 minutes because I combine my last break with my lunch). Sometimes, my pumping session might be longer in the am, and I would take less time at lunch. Apparently this bothered some co-workers who thought I was taking TOO MUCH TIME to pump/nurse. Okay, first of all, mind your own business. You obviously didn't nurse while working or even raise a child. Second of all, I am not goofing around on my breaks, I am actually trying to take my break while I am pumping. And I am also trying to eat my lunch while I nurse on my lunch break. Anyone who has nursed knows you need your hands to hold your baby while she is nursing. So pretty much I am letting Paige nurse, and then jamming food into my mouth while my mom burps her. So I could bring my work phone to my breaks, but either my breast pump or Paige would have to answer the work-related calls because my hands are occupied. For those who don't know, pumping or nursing is not actually a 'break'. Again, the irony of calling it my "break time". Thirdly, the person who complained about my break-time is a smoker. I have never once complained about the fact she leaves campus in order to smoke, does it 2-3 times a shift, plus takes an hour lunch break. Do the math. I am doing something considered healthy and natural, squeezing it into my allowed break time, and getting reprimanded for it. And she, the smoker, is not getting reprimanded. Even though her habit is hazardous to her health, and as nurses we are supposed to be encouraging people to do what's healthy for them, she gets to do it several times a shift and goes way beyond her allotted break time...So, why I am I getting in trouble again?......I don't get it either.