A Joyful Update

Since my last update, I have gotten a 2nd opinion from a different ophthamologist. Praise the Lord, and thank God I did! He didn't see any signs or symptoms that would lead him to believe I had glaucoma. He was going to review my records from the previous Dr and try and figure out why they would tell me I had it or needed surgery. So, while I am extremely relieved to hear that news, I am still completely perplexed by the whole situation from the other Drs office. I will be going back to my new ophthamologist in 2 months to get my eye pressure checked again. Hopefully, then, I will be completely relieved of the fear that robbed me a week of sleep and worry. My life is too crazy.

35 is the year

Mark it down, people. 35 is the year I physically 'fell apart'. I have actually been falling apart little by little up until now, but just this year, these little incidents of 'falling apart' have acquired names and diagnoses. Although that brings some sense of relief, knowing most of these things that have happened to me actually have names, it doesn't make me feel any better about the continuing process. And I haven't been 35 for that long yet...


So, in late August I was diagnosed as having a spontaneous episode of pleurisy. Not sure where it came from--no trauma, no incident. Just pain whenever I would inhale. I got the work-up at the hospital, and although no definitive diagnosis was made, they did mention they found gall stones that were sedentary at the moment, but could move anytime they wanted. Great. So, moving on, my regular doctor and I started the discussion about fibro myalgia. Kind of. I am a classic case, but nobody wants to get pigeon-holed too quickly. So, as we are 'thinking about it', I have joint aches, headaches, sleep apnea, depression, difficulty concentrating, restless leg syndrome, digestive issues, and almost every other sign of the disease. Problem? This disease is primarily treated symptom by symptom, except for some medications for the muscle aches and pains. There have been attempts at some point in the past 10 years or so addressing each of those symptoms as seperate entities, but not until recently did I stumble upon research which connects all these symptoms together as a diagnosis. So I read up on the medications for the muscle aches and pains, thinking, "I am achey all the time". Well, it turns out these medications are whatever category it is when you can't take them while pregnant or breast feeding. Read this not 1 week prior to starting preparation for another pregnancy. So, this has all gone to the back burner, because I did become pregnant rather quickly. The one true joy of being 35 so far.



So, this all leads up to yesterday, when I received a call from the opthamologist office I had been going to for some blurry vision issues. I have seen 2 separate doctors, one initially, and then he deferred me to a cornea specialist within the office. So, I had some scarring on my cornea that wasn't easily explained. To the doctor, it looked as if I had some eye surgery previously, which I had not. So, possibly this is why my vision was intermittently blurring. Did the eye drop regimen for a month or two, stopped wearing contact lenses for a long stretch to let my corneas heal, and just got cleared to go ahead and try the contact lenses again for short periods of time. Cool. Paid the bill and thought I was done. Apparently not. What happened was, when I got referred to the 2nd physician within the office, she held on to my chart as she was currently treating me. The initial physician I saw had ordered some visual tests to be done routinely, and they were, and the results were put into 'his' section of the chart. So the test results from early October just got verified by him this past week, as the 2nd doc turned my chart back in, and it shows I may have glaucoma. At freakin' 35 years old. I am just numb thinking about this. The medical assistant called me to tell me this on the phone. I am trying to figure out why the doc that has had my chart for the past couple of months hasn't noticed this or addressed this, and meanwhile, the medical assistant is talking about surgery and eye drops and what route do I want to go with this. Uhhh, can I have a little time to let this all settle in on my brain? So, I scour for more info reguarding glaucoma, because I have never needed to really know much about it. "2nd leading cause of blindness", "irreversible vision loss", "early treatment and detection" are some of the phrases I read that keep going on in my head all night long. Which is why, after so long, I decided I needed to blog at 430am. I wasn't sleeping, and to be honest, all my brain is thinking about is what I would miss and not be able to do if I lost my vision completely. There goes my career, my independence at ANY level, just everything--gone. The thought of not seeing my girls and my husband as they grow is just devastating. I can't stop crying and I don't want to close my eyes, ever, because I want to impress upon my brain all the visual info I can register now for use later if I get to the point when I can't see it anymore. How sad is it that I am having to think like this at 35? Like I said, mark it down.

Whatever.

Just sense a change coming. Work has become more stressful than enjoyable. And it doesn't look to be getting better. Kind of feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. I would say "typical nurse", but I am not typical, nor do I believe that it is okay to be treated this way. God is telling me to wait, patiently, for his lead. So I am waiting. And praying. And hoping for the open door to be obvious. I have so much more to give than I am able to at work right now. Too many obligatory demands on my time have caused me to lower my standards out of necessity. Or survival. Whatever. It doesn't feel good, and anytime I am forced to lower my standards, I feel lost and frustrated. Working in healthcare is a hypocrisy; too many double standards, not high enough standards, and on-again/ off-again rules to accommodate the almighty dollar. But that's not what you'll hear or see from the outside looking in. That's why we have a PR department. At least someone paints a rosy picture for laypeople to see. And I'm sure they make more than I do for doing it. Like I said. Whatever.

Deep Thoughts from a Bible study lesson...

The question was..."Do you desire God's presents more than His presence in your life?"

God's presence is a present. I think as humans our natural desire is to have all the comforts we want without risk or cost to us. We want the easy, fun, uncomplicated version of everything. But then our character is very shallow and surface-y, because we've never had to work or earn or deny ourselves anything. Sure, it'd be easier if God made all the decisions for us, because then we wouldn't have to engage our brain, and we could move through life without thinking. But, even with that, it doesn't guarantee the things God would pick for us would be comfortable, easy and uncomplicated. We are not one dimensional, nor is our creator. He wants us to think for ourselves, but use His word and His spirit to guide our decisions to be in line with his will for us. And he knows what we will choose, despite our best efforts to please him. So, if we aren't going to choose what's best for us, God will place us in a situation where we will learn, and there is no guarantee of ease, comfort or quickness. But we do know he will always be there with us. And he has our best interest at heart. God's will is not going to show itself to be the simplest decision most of the time, until our will is in alignment with his.

Spring Awakening....

So, a lot of little things have happened since fall.

Ava is pretty much potty trained, with the exception of night time. Praise the Lord! She has also moved into a toddler bed, which was a little bit tougher for her than I think she thought it would be. But I gave her wall decals to decorate however she wanted to right by the bed, and that seemed to help. She is eagerly awaiting preschool in the fall. She talks about it all the time. I think the fact she saw "Preschool Musical" on Sesame Street helped. She loves music, and singing, and reading.

Paige is just as much a monkey as ever. She is climbing everything that looks dangerous, with much bravado and not enough healthy fear! She is a tough nugget, and brushes things off pretty quickly. BUT MAN, does she have a temper. She is very laid back in general, but when she gets mad, she goes all out! She will grab and throw whatever she can get her hands on to express her anger or disappointment in hearing the word 'no'. Funny how they love to say it, just don't want to hear it!

We went camping this spring, and had a really good time, despite the continuous rain. We stayed up in Standish, which is our favorite place to camp. We frequented our favorite store, Wilson's Cheese Shop, and got some good cheese to eat while we were there.

It was bonding time for sure. Christopher was even so dedicated to grill he did it in the rain. What a guy! The girls are starting to ask about going camping again soon. I'm not so sure we're ready for another go quite yet!

Easter was a wonderful time with family again this year. We spent the saturday prior to with my family, and Easter sunday was with Christopher's family. It was a lot less stressful not doing both families in one day. Just too many logistics to figure out for one day and not enough nap time for the girls.

So, we are eagerly awaiting spring and summer weather to stay put for a bit, so we can enjoy the outdoors. I have enjoyed seeing my flowers come up again this year--gotta love perennials! Even my lilac bushes are blooming for the first time ever. So hard to be patient, but so excited to see and smell them!

Christopher finished up his Masters' classes for the winter semester. I know he is as relieved as I am that they are done! He's taking spring semester off (thank goodness!) and starting up again in the summer semester. I often wonder why I thought it was tough to be in college full time without a separate full time job and family to juggle! I was so naive then....