Catch up time before the next arrival....

I haven't written for a while, but not for lack of material! Life seems to be zooming by, and I am just holding on, trying to stay alive. I have had recent health issues, work issues, food for thought from books I have FINALLY had a chance to read, and fear and excitement mixed about all of the unknown heading my way.

My most recent health issue (as there always seems to be at least one, whether I am pregnant or not) has been my asthma. I have had asthma for the past 5 years or so, but it only becomes a potential problem after exercise, or when I am sick and coughing a lot. So, I've had a rescue inhaler and I need it a couple of times a year. Totally tolerable. Well, it has been a different story while pregnant. I have suffered from really bad acid reflux this time (as well as last pregnancy), and have needed to go on prescription strength reflux medicine. I also sleep on a huge wedge pillow and a couple regular pillows to keep me almost upright while sleeping. And it seemed to be working fairly well. Then, starting about a month ago, I would wake up from sleep choking on food, and cough so hard that I would end up vomiting (and lose other bodily functions that go along with being very pregnant). This coughing so hard would trigger my asthma, and I would get really short of breath and a 'tightness' in my chest. This would happen 3-4 times a night. My rescue inhaler was not working, because it is not supposed to be used as frequently as I was needing it. So, last week, I decided to call the OB to see how they could help me. I ended up having to go to the Labor and Delivery triage to get checked. Turns out, I wasn't getting as much oxygen as I needed, and my heart rate was high. After ruling some serious possibilities out, they sent me home on some steroids and told me to go ahead and start using a nebulizer machine to get my breathing medicine. I am feeling so much better after my primary care doc prescribed the dose of steroid that was actually appropriate for my 'size'. So thankful for modern medicine and specifically, steroids.

I actually made it to my last day of work before maternity leave at the hospital . I figured working until the end of May was pretty good considering my due date is June 20. I ended up having to leave a month before Paige's birth, so I wanted to leave some extra cushion on the front end this time, too. Though I know this makes sense for my physical health, it freaks me out in the financial sense. We managed last time without my income, and we made it, and I am trying to be reminded of that. But we have one more child this time than last, and somehow, that makes it seem exponentially more scary to deal with.

I was also informed on my last day that when I come back, I would not be able to function in the nursing educator role, as the budget had been eliminated. I knew it was a possibility, because my manager had let me take on that role as a reprieve from staffing on the floor. I had been working 8 hour shifts for about 3 years, and I was also informed that when I came back, I would have to work 12 hour shifts again. I stopped working 12 hour shifts because the stress and the fatigue was too great after starting a family. So this left me with some food for thought. I have been waiting and waiting for a position to open in the outpatient infusion center, and hoping it would coincide with my return to work from maternity leave. There were a couple of employees that had the possibility of leaving around the time I would be coming back from leave. I found out someone who hadn't ever expressed interest or worked hours in the infusion center was given a part time position to start about when I get back. I was totally dumbfounded. When I approached my manager, she claimed she wasn't sure about anybody going anywhere in the infusion center. On the one hand, everything is hearsay to me, but at the same time, I feel as though something that was promised me is going to someone else (less qualified). I want to stay in oncology, but I don't want to staff on the inpatient unit for 12 hour shifts. I have NO IDEA where God is leading in this, but I am going to have to wait and trust. In the meantime, I am not sure whether to pursue a job somewhere else, or to go back to something that I know I don't want in hopes what I do want opens up. I like the familiarity of where I've worked for the past 8 years, but if there is no chance for me to get where I am wanting to go, then I'd like to look elsewhere. I do not want to work in the environment where I feel I have had to compromise the quality of my patient care in order to 'complete' all the required tasks and forms. And that is what going back to staffing on the floor would have me do. Just not sure where God would have me.

Just finished reading the book, "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman. It was an amazing book, but probably not one I should have read while all emotional, hormonal and pregnant. It is amazing to see how a family struck with tragedy learns to see God within their circumstances. The loss of their daughter was something that hit the core of my emotions. I could not imagine losing one of my children, and even with the 'head' knowledge they would be with God, the book allows you to experience the grief of a parent and how retching it is. I have definitely learned that every moment with the kids is precious, and I don't want to forget any of the things that make them each so unique and special. I bawled my eyes out for most of the book, but it made me stop and realize how incredibly important they are to me. I am more deliberate to celebrate the little things with them, that might seem insignificant at the time. They are everything to me.

So, now that I am off of work, I am frantically working to get everything ready for the baby's arrival. Cleaning like I haven't had the chance to in months. With much less energy, of course.....Every day I try to clean, declutter, or organize something in efforts to be closer to 'ready' for our baby's celebratory appearance. Just trying to take one day at a time...what else can I do?

Fighting my own flesh

Most days, you wouldn't know I am struggling--I am getting really good at covering it well. Some days, my hubby doesn't even know. The thing is, I'm so tired of fighting against my own flesh. I have been struggling and fighting a battle since February against my own mind and body. I know we cannot live without struggle, and that working through the battle is supposed to make us stronger. Every time I think I am making progress, I fall backwards. And it seems to be pervading into all other areas of my life, which is making the fighting effort that much more difficult. I am finding myself so cynnical, negative, disheartened, depressed, and quite frankly at times, ready to give up. I feel so unloved and unlovable. It's funny how pain moves and cripples you at your core. If it was simply physical 'pain', I could deal with that and compartmentalize it. The problem for me is, the physical pain is draining me of all my other capacities, and I am completely zapped of any coping mechanisms. I feel drained in my physical, mental, and spiritual realms. Don't get me wrong--there is a very logical side of me that knows I am loved, that knows God loves me and showers me with grace, that knows I am a capable mother, nurse and member of a family. But Satan prowls in and around all of my weaknesses and just takes tiny jabs here and there, knowing my resources to fight back are limited by my flesh and fatigue. And for some reason, the more I try to claim Christ in the areas of my life I am struggling with, the more difficult the battles become. And they are the same attacks, just increasing in strength each time. I know He is there to be my strength when I am weak, and yet I don't feel any of his power pouring through me when I call His name. I feel wrapped up in the silence I hear in response to my pleading. And then I lose the battle again, because I cannot muster the strength to keep fighting on my own. I wallow in the fact that I lost AGAIN to the same sin that has been a stumbling block for me over the past few months. I repent, wholeheartedly, and swear to be stronger this next time. 'I just need to claim scripture over the situation, and Satan will flee.' But he doesn't; he comes at me stronger. And I fail again. And again. And again. If it weren't for the solid assurance I have that God has not given up on me and is willing to shower His grace upon me each and every time I fail, I am not sure where I would be. Of all the things I know, I know His grace is truly amazing. That is how I know I must keep fighting. But I feel like I am battling in solitude. I haven't felt the comfort of a good friend for months, and with this pregnancy drawing near it's end, I realize I have felt quite alone through it. The struggles have been intimate and personal this time, and have really left me feeling cut off from the group of friends that I know would do anything for me. One area of disheartenment tends to bleed over into other areas, and I begin to experience those same chords of disheartenment and discontent in what feels like all aspects of my life. I feel I have no source of refrehment and renewal for my soul. And it is in desperate need of refreshing.