It's been a while....

So, it's been a while since I last wrote on here. Not for lack of material, mind you. Lots has gone on here. I had been studying all summer for my OCN exam (oncology certified nurse), and the time to take it was drawing near (August 21). The week prior to the exam, I found out my grandma was in the hospital, had undergone emergency surgery, and wasn't fairing so well. My concentration was totally knocked off kilter. I was so caught off guard by this, that my only concern was to help take care of Mema. I had some unresolved guilt about not going to Florida to help when my grandfather was dying. I felt like I absolutely had to go. Trouble is, I couldn't just drop my roles as 'mom' and 'wife' and 'nurse' etc. in a heartbeat. Using my powers as a nurse deciphering through what my mom was reporting, I urged them to get to Mema as soon as they could. My mom and dad made it down and were there with her for her final days. And those were extremely tough days. I was torn between cancelling my exam (losing ~$400), going with the kids, without the kids, without Christopher, and it was such a discouraging repertoire of choices. I ended up not being able to swing any of the above, and so I was not there to be with my grandma in her last days, nor with my mom to love and support through this incredibly difficult and totally unexpected turn of events. Add more guilt on to the guilt I was already carrying so discreetly from my grandpa's passing. I mean, I am a nurse working in a hospice setting at the hospital, and here my grandma was in hospice and my mom wasn't sure what to do and how to help. Seemed like I was meant to be there. But I didn't get there. Truth is, I think we all thought Mema would pull out of it by sheer will. She was one of the most strong yet stubborn people I knew. AND she was a nurse. That is a crazy combo to have to be related to! But we all thought it would be the magic combination to help her pull through a situation that someone else more mortal might not be able to. What a wake up call. She went from fine to gone in 3 weeks time. Way too fast for any of us to comprehend. I am still having trouble believing it. I keep telling myself she is still in Florida, but I can't call her and talk. I went to the visitation. I went to the funeral. I went to the cemetery. Why doesn't it sink in?! I don't know. I think it's the guilt of not getting there that keeps everything else in a holding pattern preventing me from moving on. Almost feels hypocritical since I try and help other people in this kind of situation. Yet I can't move myself through it. It is extremely difficult to work with my hospice patients now. I either make it very impersonal and business like so as not to feel the pain I still hold on to, or I see my grandma in every detail and just can't deal with the sorrow I feel. What is so strange is that I was so much more warm and fuzzy with my grandpa--and our history was sordid at best. I loved him and he was more human and loving than my grandma ever was to me. And I am mourning my grandma so much more than I did my grandpa. Don't get me wrong, I loved Mema. But she wasn't the warm fuzzy 'stereotypical' grandparent that often comes to mind. She was very impressed by accomplishments and education and moving up the chain of command. She was extremely proud that I was following in her footsteps as a nurse (though I hadn't given that coincidence a thought when picking my major), but not nearly as 'verbally' proud that I was doing missions work or that my walk with Jesus was so intimate and personal. Hers was not. I don't know if she ever knew Jesus like I know Jesus. It grieves me that she might not have ever had a close relationship with him. She was saved, and I know she is in heaven. I know she sees Jesus now like I can't wait to see him some day. But it was not easy being a grandchild of hers, especially a girl that wasn't the oldest or the youngest. Every day is a new day, and I am trying so hard to move on, but my heart is still in disbelief and shock.

I have also had numerous medical mysteries, but I have come to call that 'normal' for me. I just keep moving. I did end up passing that exam, Mema was cognizant of my passing and per my mom, she was very proud. She passed away on August 27th. I never got to say good-bye like I would've wanted to. Even before this, I have always told everyone 'I love you' on the phone, no matter what we were talking about prior to hanging up. I am so glad I have made that a personal policy of mine. So I know, without question, those were indeed my last words to her. I just wish last time wasn't the last time they were my last words to her. August was a terribly tough month for me. September didn't get better. I felt like I was on auto-pilot, not really feeling anything, and becoming numb to everything. I didn't want to work, I didn't want to do anything but sleep. I knew depression was right around the corner for me if I didn't change something--for mom, too, as we both struggle continually with it. I was trying so hard to be there for my mom, who was having such a hard time with this, and as I tried to help her keep her head above water, I was sinking lower. It felt like the blind leading the blind. My heart ached so much in empathy trying to even imagine how my mom felt losing her mom so suddenly. I know I couldn't deal with losing my mom. I would absolutely fall to pieces. Yet here she was, turning to me to help her. I had so much on my plate, but I knew I couldn't do anything, or be who I am without her love and support. So we have been walking side-by-side trying to help each other through this extremely sorrowful time.

I have to thank my family and girlfriends for so much love and support through this tough time. I call Monday nights my 'therapy' night, as we have a girls night out at some one's house every Monday. The laughter alone lightens my load, but just knowing my friends love and pray for me helps me to stay grounded and real. They are truly a blessing.

Now that it's November, I am reminded that I have so much to be thankful for....