I am the first....

I am officially the first bearer of a male grandchild for my mom and dad! This will be their 7th grandchild, but first GRANDSON! I am certainly very excited about this, and am still sort of in shock about the whole thing. I am so used to having girls, and this pregnancy was the first time we decided to find out the gender of our baby. So Ava and Paige were both surprises, and delightful ones at that. It is just so different knowing ahead of time. I am not sure which way I prefer. I like the idea of getting used to a certain family dynamic and constitution, but I also like the 'let's see how it goes when whoever gets here' dynamic. At least now, I know I need different clothes!

I have also encountered a new, odd feeling that I find myself dealing with--the thought (and possible reality) that I might have been disappointed if I had another girl. I found myself ready to brace for disappointment when we went to our ultrasound appointment. I was so scared of my own reaction when I should have been elated to see our baby, whatever the gender. The thought that it was some kind of personal failure to not be able to make a son, crazy as that sounds, was on the forefront of my mind for the days preceding the appointment. I was very uncomfortable to be aware of this thought process as it was happening, and not being able to talk myself out of the thought pattern. Weird, because I adore my girls! They are fun to play with, paint nails with and do hair, play dress up with, buy fun clothes for and the list goes on and on. Why I felt this unspoken pressure to produce a boy/grandson I am not sure--but I do know it was not from an external source. The best I can guess is knowing what an awesome gift it is to give to my husband--a son to carry on his name. And what a cool gift to give to my dad, who is such an outdoorsman, nature, sports guy, fix-it-upper who would love to have a grandson to share some of these passions with. Interestingly enough, I was more 'wanting' a boy for Christopher than he would admit to wanting for himself. He LOVES the dynamic of being a dad to our girls, and he understands what a huge and important job it is. He wouldn't have been disappointed to have a 3rd girl, but I think I might have been. Seems so backwards, because everyone figures he's 'relieved' to finally have a boy, because what father doesn't want a son? Such a complex train of thought for me to encounter, and yet such an odd sense of relief to know I am carrying a boy. I am a mystery unto myself (as well as others, I'm sure).

We are thrilled, and yet thrusted again into the unknowns of parenthood. What an exciting ride this will be.....